Sunday, October 10, 2010

"We've been separated since January?!?"

Ben Harper has filed for divorce from Laura Dern after five years of marriage.  His plea states that they’ve been separated for months, but her friends say they’ve been together -- including “being together,” if you know what I mean -- that whole time. 

I’ve never even heard of Ben Harper.  Which sort of explains a lot.  He left his first wife after four years of marriage and two kids.  Apparently, a moderately wealthy, moderately well-known, certainly well-networked girlfriend represented a good career move. 

But now he’s leaving her.  And claiming they’ve been separated for six months.  Which was apparently a surprise to her.  But Laura also must be seriously deja vu-ing about the time Billy Bob Thornton broke off their engagement by marrying Angelina Jolie.  Girlfriend can’t catch a break, even when she marries it and gives it two kids!

Divorcing your wife when she doesn’t realize you’re separated and that the sex you had last week was not a conjugal visit is the behavior of a man caught up in an affair.  It’s the sort of sneak attack you make when when the girlfriend you’re infatuated with threatens to break up with you if you don’t leave the wife who’s lost her allure.  Or possibly the coup de grace of a conniver who wanted to finalize certain legal and financial arrangements without arousing suspicion in order to assure every advantage to himself during proceedings.

How does Laura pick these creeps?  Well, that’s probably the problem.  She’s not picking anyone.  She’s had relationships with any number of famous (or famous-ish) men.  She works at getting them to pick her, then tries to nail that down.  Never stopping to ask if she really wants a man who leaves his wife and two kids for a career-enhancing girlfriend or a man who spent more time divorcing his previous three wives than enjoy marriage with them.  I bet that before she married Ben, she frequently complained to her girlfriends that “I can never get them to stay!”  I doubt she ever asked herself “Do I want to keep him?”

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