tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77517400892741590822024-02-21T09:48:05.965-05:00Breakup WatchBreakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-79019277323653169382011-03-30T20:24:00.001-04:002011-03-31T07:35:21.620-04:00Wedding Wednesday: Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f5/Wedding_portrait_of_Mr._and_Mrs._Charles_Reed_Bishop,_June_4,_1850_%28detailed%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f5/Wedding_portrait_of_Mr._and_Mrs._Charles_Reed_Bishop,_June_4,_1850_%28detailed%29.jpg" width="251" /></a></div>Perpetually perky Reese Witherspoon married agent-to-the-stars Jim Toth last Saturday.<br />
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Will this work? It’s so hard to say. On the one hand, Reese appears to be such a level-headed person. There are no stories about her past indiscretions, magnificent tantrums, overindulged proclivities. She’s just a normal person who happens to have chosen movie stardom as her career. <br />
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On the other hand . . . <br />
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She married Ryan Philippe when she was, what? Twenty-three years old and seven months pregnant? You guys have been reading this blog long enough to know <a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2010/11/ridiculous-course-of-young-love.html">what I think about that</a>! And there’s something about the way she went from Ryan to Jake,* and from Jake to Jim,** without stopping to catch her breath that’s just a little concerning. In fact, it leads me to wonder if Reese is one of those folks who won’t end a relationship unless she has a new partner already picked out and waiting in wings. What will happen if she finds someone better than Jim?<br />
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On the other, <i>other</i> hand, Reese walked down the aisle in a pale pink dress. Always a harbinger of marital success. (Ask me how I know!)<br />
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* Separation announced October 2006, around the time that <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0804522/">Rendition</a>, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, was being filmed.<br />
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** Breakup with Jake November/December 2009, dating Jim publicly February 2010.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Wedding_portrait_of_Mr._and_Mrs._Charles_Reed_Bishop,_June_4,_1850_%28detailed%29.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-55507464354882113972011-03-30T08:19:00.000-04:002011-03-30T08:19:44.290-04:00When the Other Man Is a Population of 13,276,517<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ec/Primera_Dama_ST_%2825%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ec/Primera_Dama_ST_%2825%29.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>There are so many divorces in the world, but really, not that many grounds for the divorce. Infidelity: that’s a popular reason. Abuse: almost no one argues against that. Latent homosexuality: a fabulous reason. Bankruptcy protection, mismatched sexual appetites, designated hitter debates. All reasonable and understandable bases for ending your marriage.<br />
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Here’s one you didn’t think of: by-passing presidential eligibility laws. <br />
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The Constitution of Guatemala states that family members of current presidents are ineligible to succeed their relative in the office. A control mechanism against the risk of familial dynasty that Americans seem to have employed without specifically codifying. Imagine if the likes of George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, Franklin D. Roosevelt, or John Quincy Adams had not waited a decent interval before publicizing their pursuit of sovereign succession. <br />
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So <a href="http://www.buenosairesherald.com/article/62530/guatemalas-first-lady-divorces-for-her-country">that’s what President Alvaro Colom and First Lady Sandra Torres are doing</a>: divorcing so she can run for president. They refer to it as a “noble sacrifice.” <br />
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I call bullshit. <br />
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If you’re not prepared to trash your ex in public, re-write the history of your courtship, fight over who gets the lawnmower, and bore your friends to death by going on about how you tried for so long but just have nothing left to give, well, then it’s just not a real divorce. Taking advantage of the special status of marriage as the only legally soluble familial relationship is a cynical exploitation of the system. Amend the constitution if it means that much to you. Or, here’s an idea: Don’t set out to succeed your husband in the first place! For Christ’s sake, Guatemalans chose a one-term presidency for a reason. Who are <i>you</i> to try to work around that?<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Primera_Dama_ST_%2825%29.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-30158486160185493792011-03-28T18:07:00.000-04:002011-03-28T18:07:33.519-04:00Tony Hawk's Latest Half-Pipe<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f4/Tony_Hawk_and_Lhotse_Merriam_by_David_Shankbone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f4/Tony_Hawk_and_Lhotse_Merriam_by_David_Shankbone.jpg" width="151" /></a></div><br />
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Did you hear that skateboarding mogul Tony Hawk left his third wife to take up with the wife of his BFF?<br />
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This month it was revealed that Tony has filed for divorce from Lhotse Merriam, and is now spending time with Cathy Goodman. Lhotse learned of the affair late last year when she stumbled on a plane ticket for Cathy to join Tony for a special trip. Who is Cathy Goodman? The wife of Tony’s business partner of 15 years, Matt Goodman. Matt and Cathy have been married for 20 years. Tony and Matt have been friends since childhood. Matt was in the wedding party of each of Tony’s three weddings.<br />
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A few days after the news of Tony’s divorce surfaced, <a href="http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2011/03/exclusive-interview-tony-hawks-best-pal-its-cool-hes-dating-my-wife">Matt assured Radar Online</a> that it’s all good. He and Tony ended their business partnership in 2005; he and Cathy separated last year; he’s dating someone else anyway; he wishes Tony and Cathy (and Lhotse!) all the best.<br />
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Tony, it seems, is something of a hound dog. <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/03/15/skateboard-mogul-tony-hawk-leaves-wife-best-friends-wife/">This line from a news report</a> is priceless:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><i>Hawk married Merriam, his former publicist, in 2006, </i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i>two years after divorcing his second wife, Erin, his former nanny.</i></div><br />
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It’s tempting to write Tony’s behavior off as a symptom of the same immaturity that leads a 42-year-old man to play with skateboards instead of getting a job. But a man who can parlay an adolescent obsession into<a href="http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_Tony_Hawk%27s_net_worth"> $180 million net worth</a> hardly classifies as a failure to launch. No, I think the relevant behavior here is that specific drive to pursue the thrill without regard for the risks. I suppose that <i>is</i> a characteristic of adolescence (<i>see: Pregnancy, Teen</i>). But that’s also the sort of recklessness you need if you’re going to execute a 2.5-revolution aerial spin and pioneer the sport of vertical skateboarding.<br />
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And Matt Goodman? Well, it sounds like he had already left Cathy for another woman. So he knows he’s not really in a position to complain. But he wouldn’t be the first wandering husband to suffer pangs of jealousy when his betrayed wife starts letting someone else rock her ride.<br />
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What I can’t explain is how Cathy let herself be wooed by Tony. Especially since she’s known him -- and witnessed his weddings -- for 20 years. Is this affair the product of some mid-life crisis, where the good wife and mother deliberately chooses to do something stupid? Or is she just trying to piss Matt off for doing a 180 and leaving her for another woman?<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tony_Hawk_and_Lhotse_Merriam_by_David_Shankbone.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-65509582367021402822011-03-21T22:22:00.000-04:002011-03-21T22:22:56.640-04:00Tempest in at Twitterpot, Calm at Last<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/JoeJonasSep10_3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/JoeJonasSep10_3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2010/11/eye-h8-jashley-mean-girls-and-twitter.html">The day that millions of Mean Girls hoped for</a> has finally arrived.<br />
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It was confirmed last week that <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/17/joe-jonas-ashley-green-break-up_n_836971.html">Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene broke up a few weeks ago</a>. In fact, it seems they broke up weeks before <a href="http://www.details.com/celebrities-entertainment/cover-stars/201104/joe-jonas-singer-jonas-brothers?currentPage=2">Details published a cover story</a> that includes Joe singing Ashley’s praises. The timing has fueled longstanding rumors that the relationship was really just a media show.<br />
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Was she too much woman for him? Did she get tired of living within the confines of his purity pledge? Did their travel schedules make it impossible to maintain a relationship? Has Ashley moved on to another man?<br />
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Does it matter?<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:JoeJonasSep10_3.jpg">Picture credit</a><br />
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</a></div>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-76192686974432256872011-03-20T09:01:00.000-04:002011-03-20T09:01:52.522-04:00Breakup Song Watch Sunday: 50 Ways to Leave Your LoverSnappy tune, unique drum beat, catchy refrain. But somehow the song just doesn’t live up to it’s lofty promise. Rather than 50 ways to leave our lover, it provides just five ways, repeated over and over. And those five ways? Not especially instructive. Really, when you look at them altogether, they seem more like 5 steps that make up just a <i>single</i> way to leave your lover:<br />
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Step 1: Slip out the back. <br />
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Step 2: Make a plan. Note that this plan should be <i>new</i>, i.e., unlike any previous plans that included your lover. Note also that this whole scheme would probably have gone more smoothly if making a plan had been your first step. But that’s just not how you roll, is it?<br />
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Step 3: Don’t be coy. In other words, when your lover calls out from the back door to ask where you’re going, DO NOT say you’re just slipping out for a pack of cigs! Be honest and face the music. Tell your lover you are leaving, per the agreement made with your new lover the night before.<br />
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Step 4: Hop on the bus. Or get in the car. Point is, a gas-powered vehicle is key to putting some serious distance between you and that back door where your lover is standing, puzzling over the fact that you’ve slipped out to buy cigarettes when you don’t smoke (because you flaked on Step 3, didn’t you?).<br />
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Step 5: Drop off the key. Once you’re safely ensconced in your new love nest with your new lover, don’t be a douche! Send back your key as a demonstration of the finality of your decision. Better yet, deliver it in person, so you can look your former lover in the eye. Those bottomless brown eyes. And open your mouth to say, “I love someone else,” but find that you can only get out the words “I love,” before your former lover, assuming that you’ve recovered your senses and have come home again, wraps you in a loving embrace. <br />
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At which point, you find yourself back where you started, getting advice from someone with shady motives and a penchant for cheesy rhyming slang because you’re a wuss who doesn’t know how to break up with someone. <br />
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Here is the Muppets’ rocking cover of “50 Ways.” Note Rowlf’s attempt to introduce a sly double entendre into the mix (“Are you sure it’s not ‛50 Ways to Love Your Lever?’”). Masturbation jokes on the Muppet Show. Wow. It certainly was a different time.<br />
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<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/aVXX6NFpcT8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-229000174667567432011-03-19T10:56:00.000-04:002011-03-19T10:56:54.346-04:00Don't Mess with the Mouse<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBO2SoH5raB1hntSjmmvOc7VM_bZydf-6ViF8GkG4dyHUepoT9W0uld_aM5ngG_BWwWtJqReiWy7gnoP9RMdTRD6Lk-0XVWND-HlnmA6zrovU-Y11yzGX0e5cqhipVxEkaubXgQjqUFvW0/s1600/disney+mafia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBO2SoH5raB1hntSjmmvOc7VM_bZydf-6ViF8GkG4dyHUepoT9W0uld_aM5ngG_BWwWtJqReiWy7gnoP9RMdTRD6Lk-0XVWND-HlnmA6zrovU-Y11yzGX0e5cqhipVxEkaubXgQjqUFvW0/s1600/disney+mafia.jpg" /></a></div><br />
A month ago, <a href="http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201103/billy-ray-cyrus-mr-hannah-montana-miley?currentPage=1">Billy Ray Cyrus told <i>GQ Magazine</i></a> that Disney’s <i>Hannah Montana</i> show was the poisoned apple that <a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2010/11/mileys-therapists-upcoming-agenda.html">broke up his 17 year marriage</a> and set his daughter Miley on the path to ruin. “I'll tell you right now—the damn show destroyed my family.”<br />
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This week <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/18/billy-ray-cyrus-drops-divorce_n_837777.html?ir=Entertainment">Billy Ray assured the Sympathy Sisters of <i>The View</i></a> that Hannah Montana had nothing to do with his family’s troubles. “I love <i>Hannah Montana</i>! I love Disney! That didn’t tear my family apart,” he exclaimed somewhat frantically. <br />
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Obviously those thugs at Disney got to him. Was it blackmail? Did they send Vicki Lawrence in with a bat to bruise his kidneys? However they did it, rest assured those fuckers will stop at nothing to protect their interests. Which includes forcing Billy Ray to throw David Lynch under the bus (“I kind of blame it all on David Lynch”) while recanting his denunciation of Miley’s show. The remark is indisputably the media Goliath’s first salvo in the battle to undermine critical reception of Lynch’s unauthorized Goofy bio-pic. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/z7baCckh-XE" title="YouTube video player" width="480"></iframe><br />
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Heaven help this particular David—I don’t think a slingshot will be enough this time.Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-2189166315878908522011-02-22T08:18:00.000-05:002011-02-22T08:18:34.359-05:00When Good Breakups Go Bad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9d/Cwpg5_%28squared%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9d/Cwpg5_%28squared%29.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
This breakup happened several months ago, but is just heating up now as the two ex-lovers pummel each other in court (and in the media) over custody of their daughter Nahla.<br />
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Her side: Gabriel is a lazy, unemployed mooch who can’t be trusted to care for his daughter. He’s a racist who’s uncomfortable with the thought of having a “black” daughter. <br />
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His side: Halle is more interested in her career than being a mother to her daughter. <br />
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But the breakup started out so well! Gabriel continued to live in Halle’s house, where he could see Nahla every day. Post-relationship relations were so friendly, the parents neglected to arrange a formal custody agreement. A lapse Halle is probably regretting today.<br />
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The truth is almost certainly more benign than all the accusations. Halle’s maternal instinct drives her to seek primary custodianship of her daughter. And she can’t be thrilled at the prospect of contributing to her ex-boyfriend’s upkeep in the form of child support. Gabriel prefers that Nahla be cared for by her parents; if Halle’s off making the moolah on a movie, then that leaves him, doesn’t it? And it’s clear that both parents feel threatened by the prospect of identifying Nahla by the race of their ex.<br />
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Basically, Halle is facing the dilemma typically faced by wealthy men who divorce their SAHM wives. For some, the stay-at-home arrangement made sense when they were married; others resented it all along. In any case, these hard-working men object to financing the livelihoods of their ex-wives. Sometimes they seek to remedy the situation by petitioning for sole custody, challenging the traditional bias for children to remain with their mothers (a bias which is being overcome by the growing popularity of 50-50 custody arrangements). <br />
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In Halle’s case, there’s the ironic twist that she’s both breadwinner <i>and</i> mother. For her part, she probably feels doubly entitled to sole custody. Now that she has a new boyfriend, perhaps she’d like to relegate Gabriel to the lowly status of very attractive sperm donor. It doesn’t look like Gabriel is going to stand for that. He will probably continue to lobby for his continued presence in Nahla’s everyday life.<br />
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Perhaps Halle can learn from Britney Spears. Britney chose to bring her ex-husband on tour with her rather than leave her children behind or separate them from their father. Thus the world witnessed the extraordinary sight of K-Fed the “manny.” Think about it, Halle and Gabriel!<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cwpg5_%28squared%29.jpg">picture credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-18631824445886532732011-02-10T23:00:00.000-05:002011-02-10T23:00:38.633-05:00Ripped from the Onion Headlines: Man Lies About Age, Marital Status in Response to Personal Ad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtPxgJsODBkbDKzaLgR48RMNv18Y2hwftX_2m7W5mt1fNr1e3FFKNLMU7OroQwC0N2wsKiulnwoxsoefHxPmOTwBWF_qbc6A9wfpJcpHjDLhsJ88Eay66n0BvZ3TvL0x-zIXxwJVJ7g8tf/s1600/chris+lee+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtPxgJsODBkbDKzaLgR48RMNv18Y2hwftX_2m7W5mt1fNr1e3FFKNLMU7OroQwC0N2wsKiulnwoxsoefHxPmOTwBWF_qbc6A9wfpJcpHjDLhsJ88Eay66n0BvZ3TvL0x-zIXxwJVJ7g8tf/s320/chris+lee+2.png" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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People have been lying about themselves in personal ads since the dawn of personal ads. Regular readers quickly learn to convert ad data into real-life measures: Men who say they are 6’ tall are really 5’-9.5”. Women who say they are in their early thirties are really 41. “Adventure seekers” are basement-dwelling gamers who hope to luck into a three-way someday. “Executives” are deadbeat dads selling Amway out of the trunk of their car. It’s the same game wherever you go, and everyone knows it.<br />
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So it’s not terribly shocking that a 46-year-old married man responded to a woman’s personal ad on Craig’s List, claiming to be 39 and divorced. It’s so not-shocking it could almost be a headline from <a href="http://www.theonion.com/">The Onion</a>. What’s shocking is that the 46-year-old,<b> married </b><a href="http://gawker.com/#%215755071/married-gop-congressman-sent-sexy-pictures-to-craigslist-babe"><b>Congressional Representative </b>Christopher Lee responded to a personal ad on Craig’s List</a>, claiming to be a 39-year-old divorced lobbyist. What’s <i>baffling</i> is that he used his real name, responded from his publicized personal email address, and sent a cheesecake picture of himself! Dude! You couldn’t make up a false name to go with all that false information?<br />
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I offer four theories on why he made such a bonehead move:<br />
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<ol><li>The failure of the staff and regulars at his corner Starbucks to make a fuss every morning led him to assume he would never be recognized. </li>
<li>He was hoping she’d mistake him for <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000489/">Christopher Lee the actor</a>.</li>
<li>He has been with his wife for more than 15 years, and is unaware that women these days conduct internet searches on the names of any prospective dates. </li>
<li>He is fully aware of the Power of Google and planned for the Craig’s List lady to discover his real identity!</li>
</ol><br />
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In any case, it appears that Rep. Lee nurtured the fantasy of leading a double life. Respected politician/family man by day, debonair single power broker by night. Unfortunately, the stupid topless self-portrait indicates he doesn’t actually <i>know</i> any debonair, single power brokers (does anyone?). (Also, how many cellphone pictures do you think he took of himself before he decided that was the one to send out to prospective paramours?)<br />
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The good news: now that his Craig's List activity has gone public, there’s a fair chance that Chris’s aspirations of being a divorced lobbyist will come true!Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-39342466030312141492011-01-23T11:32:00.000-05:002011-01-23T11:32:09.686-05:00Breakup Song Watch Sunday: Hope It Gives You Hell, by All American Rejects<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="youtube-player" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/A6APxbBYnoo?rel=0" title="YouTube video player" type="text/html" width="425"></iframe><br />
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What is the perfect breakup? Is it that fantasy where you both end it as friends who love each other but for some reason move on to new partners? No. That’s naive bullshit for high school kids and the White Stripes.<br />
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Better: Savoring everything about your new life that you couldn’t enjoy with your ex. Bonus points if you can work up a frothy lather of condescension for every way your ex differs from you in values, tastes, and habits.<br />
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But ask yourself: If she was such a greedy, bourgeois square, then why was I with her in the first place?<br />
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Ask yourself: If I’m so happy with my new life, why am I focusing so much energy on wishing revenge on my ex? Why did I feel the need to recruit my friends into broadcasting that fantasy?<br />
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Well, that’s just it, isn’t it? The whole problem with the relationship was how it undermined your position in your social cohort. Your buddies are cool musicians who reject the suburban 9-to-5 lifestyle and everything that comes with it. Your girlfriend embraced it. (Did she <i>really</i> embrace it? Or is that just you fudging history a little bit to make your point?) And now that you’ve eliminated your weak spot, you’re doing your utmost to solidify your place at the heart of the group by leading them to turn on the ex. It’s like Mean Girls, only with penises and electric guitars.Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-48616597014956093722011-01-18T21:53:00.000-05:002011-01-18T21:53:39.628-05:00Today's Breakup<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e4/January_Jones_%281%29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e4/January_Jones_%281%29.jpg" width="195" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Jason_Sudeikis_at_2009_NYTVF.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3a/Jason_Sudeikis_at_2009_NYTVF.jpg" width="284" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Well, <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20458385,00.html">it had to happen eventually</a>. <br />
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On the bright side, maybe now Clyde will give up that silly dream of making a life in Cleveland and come back to Manhattan so he and Liz Lemon can live happily ever after.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:January_Jones_%281%29.jpg">Image credit 1</a><br />
<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jason_Sudeikis_at_2009_NYTVF.jpg">Image credit 2 </a></div>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-57259063814354422562011-01-17T21:13:00.000-05:002011-01-17T21:13:57.339-05:00It’s a Baby Boom!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3e/PikiWiki_Israel_161_Kibbutz_Babies_%D7%94%D7%97%D7%99%D7%A0%D7%95%D7%9A_%D7%94%D7%9E%D7%A9%D7%95%D7%AA%D7%A3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3e/PikiWiki_Israel_161_Kibbutz_Babies_%D7%94%D7%97%D7%99%D7%A0%D7%95%D7%9A_%D7%94%D7%9E%D7%A9%D7%95%D7%AA%D7%A3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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It seems we are enjoying the fruits of a very prolific prolific season in Celebritopia this winter. Consider this list of first-time mamas: Natalie Portman, Jane Krakowski, Selma Blair, Pink, Mariah Carey, Christina Applegate, Penelope Cruz, Jewel, Alicia Silverstone. And let’s not forget the sequel-lovers: Kate Hudson and Victoria Beckham.<br />
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What happened late in 2010 to make all these women decide to finally become mothers?<br />
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We scanned CNN headlines of major news events in 2010 that might account for this population explosion and found nothing. We knew we needed to start thinking “outside of the television set.” What happened some time around the beginning of October 2010? Of course! It was <i>us</i>! BreakupWatch.com, with its <a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2010/10/weve-been-separated-since-january.html">October 10 inaugural post</a>, is responsible for all these celebrities becoming first time mothers!!!<br />
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But why? Are they anxious to prove all our axioms wrong by forming a family unit that will endure (says them)? Does our humor and insight lull them into irrational, unprotected sex? Or do they harbor an unquenchable hope to one day make it into the hallowed entries of this young, yet auspicious blog? (Lucky Natalie Portman has already scored <a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2011/01/macaulay-and-mila-call-it-quits.html">a mention</a>!)<br />
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Yeah, that’s probably it. These women convinced and/or tricked their boyfriends and/or husbands to forego the usual condom/diaphragm/hormones/ritual sacrifice in order to conceive a human being as a first step in a spectacular relationship failure. All because they hope to earn the special honor of being featured in Breakup Watch. After all, nothing stresses a relationship out more than hosting a screaming, self-centered, illiterate, incoherent, incontinent houseguest who hangs on for 18 to 50 years. <br />
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Good luck, ladies! <br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:PikiWiki_Israel_161_Kibbutz_Babies_%D7%94%D7%97%D7%99%D7%A0%D7%95%D7%9A_%D7%94%D7%9E%D7%A9%D7%95%D7%AA%D7%A3.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-50724112131044097542011-01-03T18:47:00.000-05:002011-01-03T18:47:03.278-05:00Macaulay and Mila Call It Quits<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a2/Macaulay_Culkin_1991_B.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a2/Macaulay_Culkin_1991_B.jpg" width="262" /></a></div><a href="http://gawker.com/5723148/macaulay-culkin-and-mila-kunis-break-up">Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis have ended their seven year relationship. </a> Reports have it that the two parted a few months ago, but waited until after Mila’s movie opening festivities to go public with the news.<br />
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Surprisingly, this is not a case of the natural end to young love. <a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2010/11/ridiculous-course-of-young-love.html">Macaulay's already done that. </a> My guess is that it was Mila’s experience filming <i>Black Swan</i> that spelled the doom of this relationship. Movie sets are well known to be old relationship killers and new relationship hothouses. And we have reason to believe that <i>Black Swan</i> was probably the same, only more so. First there was the release of the love scene between Mila and Natalie Portman. Yowsa! Then there was last week’s news that Natalie is engaged to the choreographer and expecting his baby. So we can positively confirm that it was a sexually charged atmosphere for Natalie Portman, if nothing else! <br />
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I think it won’t be too long before we discover Mila out and about with someone else affiliated with the movie.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Macaulay_Culkin_1991_B.jpg">Image credit </a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-7235238872183602452011-01-02T20:26:00.000-05:002011-01-02T20:26:44.836-05:00Breakup Song Watch Sunday: You Oughta Know, by Alanis MorissetteAlanis Morissette’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY">breakout song</a> is so raw, so angry, so . . . what’s an adjective that describes how you feel when someone steals something precious from you? <i>Boned</i>. So incredibly, irretrievably boned. And not the good kind, like you want.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><i>Does she know how you told me you'd hold me</i><br />
<i>Until you died, til you died</i><br />
<i>But you're still alive</i></div><br />
You sense that she wishes the song itself could reach through the radio and punch her ex in the kidneys.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><i>An older version of me<br />
Is she perverted like me<br />
Would she go down on you in a theatre</i></div><br />
So you see why she’s so angry. A girl expects some respect after fellating her boyfriend in the theater! As ridiculous as that sounds, it’s a universal experience. You do stuff you’d never have considered, except that he’s so dreamy, and you love him so-o-o-o-o much! You want to demonstrate your love by doing this special thing for him that no other woman will do (ha!). <br />
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<a href="http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=6064090">Dan Savage </a>has great advice for women whose boyfriends/husbands/partners ask them to do something that crosses a boundary: Absolutely, lover. Only, you go first!<br />
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(Incidentally, what do you think it was like for every single guy after 1995 who wanted to ask Alanis out for “dinner and a movie”?)<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><i>Does she speak eloquently</i><br />
<i>And would she have your baby</i><br />
<i>I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother</i></div><br />
So the ex enjoyed the perverted sex with Alanis, but preferred a more conventional partner in the long run -- one who may not give semi-public BJs, but who will be cool changing diapers, playing Candyland (and not the good kind like you want) 5 bajillion times, and pulling carpool duty. <br />
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Well, this, too, is part of that kaleidoscopic experience we call life. I’ve said it before, you can’t have a wonderful relationship until you’ve endured that really shitty one and all the painful lessons it bestows upon you, making you so much wiser, more discriminating in your taste in friends, and an altogether better partner.<br />
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That is, as long as you don’t punish the new guy for the sins of your perfidious ex. Which, by the way, is exactly what Alanis promises to do:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><i>And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back</i><br />
<i>I hope you feel it...well can you feel it</i></div><br />
Let’s hope she got all that out of her system before she married Mario “MC Souleye” Treadway, with whom she had a baby last week. Little Ever (I know, right?) doesn’t need the stress of that psychodrama!<br />
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Here’s the Dan Band with a very up-tempo cover of You Oughta Know. They’re the dudes who perform the over-the-top wedding reception song in The Hangover. <br />
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<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_C54lv2OlTw?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_C54lv2OlTw?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-11997769860577238592011-01-01T19:14:00.000-05:002011-01-01T19:14:22.653-05:00Did She Drive Him Crazy?<object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9tQ3imcfaA0?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9tQ3imcfaA0?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br />
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Some guy named John Cooper Messerschmidt made it big in Australia three lifetimes ago and is now divorcing his current wife. <br />
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<div style="background-color: white; color: white;">John Cougar Mellencamp John Mellencamp</div><div style="background-color: white; color: white;">Elaine Irwin Elain Mellencamp</div>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-61812874672077455982010-12-31T19:57:00.000-05:002010-12-31T19:57:06.932-05:00The Decade’s 7 Most Shocking Breakups<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLFEChg5FKFJU0pyQBK8Tvhe47xp7BJJ0aj9Fhs860JUpXa_gQ7j-PPnSPuIPO9GWqLY9y-tpMHRPsCmOvA5zNeeKocH8vu7cLmAcPGkm3YdWL8lXXQrvhAJVNZY5NDhPsO6-VsPNwZwL_/s1600/394px-Broken_Heart_symbol.svg.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLFEChg5FKFJU0pyQBK8Tvhe47xp7BJJ0aj9Fhs860JUpXa_gQ7j-PPnSPuIPO9GWqLY9y-tpMHRPsCmOvA5zNeeKocH8vu7cLmAcPGkm3YdWL8lXXQrvhAJVNZY5NDhPsO6-VsPNwZwL_/s320/394px-Broken_Heart_symbol.svg.png" width="320" /></a></div><b>1. Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant (2000)</b><br />
These two beautiful people led a charmed life the rest of us could only dream of. Then came Hugh’s arrest, and it occurred to us that all might not be as perfect as it seemed. Given the <a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2010/12/elizabeth-hurley-back-on-familiar.html">outcomes of her subsequent romances</a>, one assumes that poor Liz is a demon at the poker table.<br />
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<b>2. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (2001)</b><br />
Less of an ideal match than Liz and Hugh (in height if nothing else!), these two seemed to settle into a strong union. Nicole’s cinematic successes helped them overcome the rumors that she was using him as her ticket to fame. They adopted two children and seemed to be setting up a family to envy. Then Tom met Penelope Cruz while filming <i>Vanilla Sky</i>, and it was all over. Those who had previously slandered Nicole now admired the bravery and grace with which she endured her broken heart.<br />
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<b>3. Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake (2002) </b><br />
Given their age when they met, it would have been far more shocking for them to get (and stay) married. However, they gave off that vibe that said they’d be together forever. And certainly Britney’s public declaration that she was saving herself for marriage (itself somewhat shocking) amplified the vibe. Learning that Brit and Justin had actually done the deed was not as shocking as learning that Britney was the one with the wandering eye.<br />
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<b>4. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (2005)</b><br />
Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant, only more so! After all, these two beautiful people got <i>married</i>. And it was a match made in heaven. Who knew Brad could be seduced away by S&M and PB&J?<br />
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<b>5. Susan Sarandon and Tim Roth (2009)</b><br />
They were an institution of unmarried partnership. Sharing their love and their liberal values everywhere they went. They had been together so long, they had aged out of our breakup forecasts. Fear not! We secured highly paid consultants to re-calibrate the model to account for this phenomenon. And boy aren’t we grateful for <i>that</i> investment (see below)!<br />
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<b>6. John and Elizabeth Edwards (2010)</b><br />
OK. It’s not that anyone is shocked to hear that when a man gets his mistress pregnant, and films a sex tape of the two of them, that his wife will consider leaving him. What’s shocking here instead is John’s sheer brazenness in impregnating said mistress in the midst of a presidential nomination campaign. While his wife was hiding her breast cancer in order to represent him on the campaign trail. <a href="http://www.breakupwatch.com/2010/12/elizabeth-anania-edwards-1949-2010.html">“Shock” just skims the surface of how we reacted to that hot mess.</a><br />
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<b>7. Al and Tipper Gore (2010)</b><br />
As mentioned above, we had a bit of a heads up on this one after we fine-tuned our forecasting model in the wake of the Sarandon-Roth fiasco. But just by a hair. Oddly, no credible rumors of infidelity or illegality have arisen to account for the split. Time will tell, I suppose.<br />
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Well, that’s our list of shocking breakups. Who’s on <i>your</i> list?<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Broken_Heart_symbol.svg">Image credit</a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-13079726893173121192010-12-31T08:37:00.000-05:002010-12-31T08:37:10.601-05:00Divorce Joe Francis<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1f/Joe_Francis_at_AVN_Adult_Entertainment_Expo_2009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1f/Joe_Francis_at_AVN_Adult_Entertainment_Expo_2009.jpg" width="214" /></a> </div>Once upon a time, there was a man with an idea for a business venture: make and sell videos of women’s boobs. Elegant simplicity at its best, no? But how can one make a booby video when one lacks the lavish budget of a porn company? Well, one must do away with the frills. No sound stage. No special cameras or lights. Most of all, no paid talent. What’s an enterprising young man with a dream to do? Why, go where the boobies are, of course!<br />
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And that’s just what Joe Francis did. He took his personal video recorder to places where women would be most inclined to show off their boobs for free: beach locales during Spring Break, where the alcohol flows, the hormones rage, and mature judgment has fled the premises.<br />
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The American free enterprise system at its best!<br />
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Joe made a <a href="http://www.celebritynetworth.com/richest-celebrities/joe-francis-net-worth/">veritable mint</a> from his endeavor, making friends along the way with celebrities like Quincy Jones, the Kardashians, and young Christina McLarty, an entertainment correspondent for the local CBS outpost. Joe and Christina dated on and off for four years. Much of that time, Joe was battling criminal charges like racketeering, drug trafficking, child pornography, record keeping violations, bribery, possession of a controlled substance, introducing contraband into jail, child abuse, and prostitution. In all, he served 339 days. Once he was out, he proposed to Christina in Saint-Tropez, and they said their vows in Mexico in November. And here it is December, and <a href="http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/12/exclusive-girls-gone-wild-joe-francis-wife-moved-out-says-source">Christina has left Joe and moved back in with her mother</a>!<br />
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If this were 1950, we’d call it a “lover’s spat” and look on fondly and nostalgically.<br />
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But these are the final hours of 2010. A bride who leaves her husband after a four-year relationship must have something else going on. Christina reminds me of Paula Barbieri. Remember her? She’s the lovely lady who waited for over a year to welcome O.J. Simpson home once he was acquitted on charges of murdering his wife and her friend. But soon after O.J. got home, they broke up. Christina and Joe have the same thing going on. While Joe was in jail, Christina could construct an elaborate image of him as the brave entrepreneur trying to make an honest fortune in an industry of insiders and power moguls who resent his youthful good looks and inventiveness. (Another thing Ms. McLarty and Ms. Barbieri have in common: the privilege of living in their rich boyfriends’ posh homes during said boyfriends’ incarceration.) Once married, she was forced to square that image with the jaw dropping narcissism of the man behind <a href="http://www.meetjoefrancis.com/">Meet Joe Francis</a>.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Joe_Francis_at_AVN_Adult_Entertainment_Expo_2009.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-81251775375438615312010-12-29T21:31:00.000-05:002010-12-29T21:31:46.184-05:00Wedding Wednesday: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1c/Nicole_Richie_and_Joel_Madden_@_2010_Academy_Awards.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1c/Nicole_Richie_and_Joel_Madden_@_2010_Academy_Awards.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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Just before the Breakup Watch management team departed for their holiday retreat in Cabo, they left us interns with strict instructions to maintain the blog and post new entries. Check the date of the last entry to see how that went. Anyway, we think we’re sober enough now to eek something out before Management gets back.<br />
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Did you see that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden got married? Yes, I <i>know</i> it was practically a month ago! That’s not important. I’m sure to Nicole and Joel it’s still fresh, just as it should be to you, too.<br />
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Anyway, no one thought these two would ever make it this far. After all, this is Paris Hilton’s best bud and partner in getting-paid-for-being-clueless-while-making-everyone-else-feel-like-saps-for-working-to-pay-the-bills. Going maternal just doesn’t seem to be what that set does. I suspect many of them keep surrogates in the same way that Victorian women of means kept wet-nurses.<br />
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But then Nicole sort of dropped Paris and went all flower child on us! (Not really, of course. Her tie-dye dresses and headbands came from Rodeo Drive.) And not only did Nicole and Joel had a baby, but they had two of them! On purpose, apparently. <br />
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Then they finally got married. In Lionel Richie’s backyard. With an <a href="http://omg.yahoo.com/news/nicole-richies-wedding-elephant-explained/52352">elephant</a>! And now to celebrate it, Nicole has been <a href="http://www.tmz.com/2010/12/29/nicole-richie-dui-jail-probation-terminated-court-drunk-driving-freeway/">released from her latest DUI probation two months earlier than expected</a>.<br />
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Oddly enough, I what to think these two have a shot at success. Joel seems to have a healthy, grounding effect on Nicole. And I’ll bet that Nicole, as an adoptee, takes the role of motherhood (and family, by extension) very, very seriously. <br />
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On the other hand, their contrasting backgrounds and wealth still threaten to get in their way. And there are certain risks inherent in being a convicted substance abuser and the tattooed pop punk musician. <br />
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Finally, of course, the care and feeding of a trained elephant can be expensive and stressful.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Nicole_Richie_and_Joel_Madden_@_2010_Academy_Awards.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-73263027388175817162010-12-19T16:01:00.003-05:002010-12-19T16:27:26.581-05:00Breakup Song Watch Sunday: Ne Me Quitte Pas (If You Go Away)There comes a time, as a relationship ends, when a lover seeks to change the course of history through poetry. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyCVxPEPx5Y">This song</a> is about that time.<br />
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Both the English and the French versions of the song make ridiculously desperate promises in the attempt to persuade a lover not to leave. <br />
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From the French:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><i>I will give you pearls of rain come from countries where it never rains.</i><br />
<i>I will dig up the earth even in death to cover your body with gold and with light.</i><br />
<i>I will make a kingdom where love shall be king, where love shall be law, where you shall be queen.</i><br />
<i>Don’t leave me!</i><br />
<i>Don’t leave me!</i><br />
<i>Don’t leave me!</i><br />
<i>Don’t leave me!</i></div><br />
From the English:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><i>But if you stay</i><br />
<i>I'll make you a day</i><br />
<i>Like no day has ever been</i><br />
<i>Or will be again</i><br />
<i>We'll sail on the sun</i><br />
<i>We'll ride on the rain</i><br />
<i>We'll talk to the trees</i><br />
<i>And worship the wind</i></div><br />
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Pulling out all the rhetorical stops, this guy is!<br />
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We’ve all been there, right? It’s a final gambit to forestall the inevitable. I will make you stay through the force of my will, as expressed by my fancy words. Which is ridiculous when you think about it. It’s not like this affair started over poetry in the first place. But somehow, luring them back in with poetic hyperbole seems like a good idea at the time.<br />
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No doubt about it, love gives us teh stupids.<br />
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Here is a video of someone doing a slow, fastidious burlesque to Nina Simone’s rendition of “Ne Me Quitte Pas.” I have never seen a stripper fold her clothes after taking them off before. (If only she would stop touching her hair!) <br />
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[Ugh. Vimeo won't allow the embed without a pound of flesh. Link <a href="http://www.vimeo.com/11064325">here</a>.]<br />
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This is such an odd song for a striptease. I can only think that undressing in public is meant to reflect the debasing of self portrayed in the song: Let me become the shadow of your shadow, the shadow of your hand, the shadow of your dog, but don’t leave me! Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me!Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-65168423894998790552010-12-18T21:12:00.000-05:002010-12-18T21:12:42.266-05:00Congratulations Zac and Vanessa!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/48/Vanessa_Hudgens_&_Zac_Efron_at_2009_Academy_Awards.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/48/Vanessa_Hudgens_&_Zac_Efron_at_2009_Academy_Awards.JPG" width="199" /></a></div>Congratulations to Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens for meeting that critical milestone of adulthood: <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/13/zac-efron-and-vanessa-hudgens-break-up_n_796012.html">ending their first romantic relationship</a>!<br />
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This is big! Every high school has its long term couples. By senior year, they’re already so “couple-y.” They seem to have already “settled down,” with all the good and bad that entails. Everyone else projects onto them their own feelings about adulthood. The kids who fear never finding a partner in life envy them like hell. The kids who fear missing out on the fun congratulate themselves for being smart enough to avoid the chains of relationship. The teachers place bets on their kitsch-filled wedding and subsequent, drama-filled divorce.<br />
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But you know what? Everyone has to have that first relationship. Zac and Vanessa are just lucky that they got it out of the way without doing anything stupid. In that, they are so much better off than Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake after <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3052143.stm">Britney stupidly professed her determination to remain a virgin until marriage</a>, then had to face the piercing stares of people forever trying to gauge the state of her virtue.<br />
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I firmly believe that you cannot fully enter adulthood without first ending a serious relationship.<br />
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So what’s next for young Zac and Vanessa? Vanessa will date an older, more famous man for a few years, but it will never go anywhere. Think <a href="http://www.accesshollywood.com/couples/they-dated-who-surprising-former-couples_gallerytab_1588/2">Courtney Cox and Michael Keaton</a>. Zac? Same thing. Think <a href="http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,1149870_1000851,00.html">Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz</a>. Or possibly <a href="http://www.life.com/image/50736888">Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres</a>.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Vanessa_Hudgens_%26_Zac_Efron_at_2009_Academy_Awards.JPG">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-59684404553954665592010-12-16T21:23:00.000-05:002010-12-16T21:23:20.325-05:00The World Returns to Its Orbit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/66/Boozedudes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="286" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/66/Boozedudes.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/14/scarlett-johansson-ryan-r_n_796659.html">Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson are divorcing. </a> The world can finally return to its standard orbit. <br />
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As far as I’m concerned, Ryan Reynolds will always be the college dude in tight jeans, drinking from a beer bong in <i>Dick</i>.<br />
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And Scarlett Johansson is the philosophy major traipsing around Tokyo while she watches her marriage evaporate in <i>Lost in Translation</i>.<br />
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These twains should never have met!<br />
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As far as I’m concerned, this divorce knocks all those out-of-kilter edges and joints throughout the universe back into place. I feel better already.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Boozedudes.jpg"> Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-15355158723958809312010-12-14T21:30:00.001-05:002010-12-14T21:33:31.290-05:004 Threats to a Happy Marriage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/82/Just_divorced.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/82/Just_divorced.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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The following risk factors can threaten your chances of a happy marriage:<br />
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<ol><li><a href="http://dexterwiki.sho.com/page/Michael+C.+Hall">Being a television actor.</a> The travel and the mismatched schedules are hell on marital intimacy. People give you the “star treatment,” bombarding you with messages that you’re better than everyone else, and no one holds you accountable when you’re being an asshole. Ethics-challenged fans have no qualms about hooking up in the bathroom stall of a Miami club just for the chance to say they did it with a star. These things are not good for your marriage.</li>
<li><a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20336663,00.html">Getting cancer.</a> A bad diagnosis can prompt someone who thinks he won’t be around in a year to make rash decisions with life consequences. Meanwhile, treatment typically results in side effects that show you off at your worst: hair loss, incontinence, impotence. None of these things are romantic.</li>
<li><a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE50902R20090110">Marrying your sister.</a> Even when she’s a foster sister, it’s still gross.</li>
<li><a href="http://www.sho.com/site/dexter/season5/images/extras/downloads/dexter5_800x600.jpg">Being a serial killer. </a>Strive as you might to be a serial killer with a heart of gold, it still has a destructive effect on your relationship. Lying about where you’ve been, hiding your bloody laundry, justifying credit card charges to pay for your surgical torture instruments. It’s got to take a toll!</li>
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Is it any wonder why <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/13/dexter-stars-split-michael-c-hall-jennifer-carpenter-divorce_n_796279.html">Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter are calling it quits </a>after a scant two years?<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Just_divorced.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-7494740792565869642010-12-13T22:21:00.001-05:002010-12-13T22:21:56.798-05:00Elizabeth Hurley: Back on Familiar Ground<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bd/Hurley-husband.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bd/Hurley-husband.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/ElizabethHurley">Elizabeth Hurley announced via Twitter that she and her husband are separated.</a> I repeat: she announced her breakup via Twitter. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/13/elizabeth-hurley-arun-nayar-breakup-split-divorce-_n_795697.html">The announcement comes after paparazzi caught her doing the walk of shame as she exited the hotel of a famous cricket player whose name I cannot remember.</a><br />
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Liz is not known for making stellar choices in men. First there was Hugh Grant. They made such a beautiful couple! But they dated for 13 years. And not in a Goldie Hawn-Kurt Russell life partnership way. More in a one-of-us-is-more-committed-than-the-other way. Then Hugh got nabbed for soliciting the services of a prostitute. I repeat: Elizabeth Hurley’s boyfriend sought a blow job from a streetwalker.<br />
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After they finally broke up, Liz announced she was expecting a baby. She was 36, and we all assumed she was just following the dictates of her biological clock. Unfortunately for Liz, her baby daddy refused to acknowledge the child. I repeat: the guy tried to deny that he had sex with Elizabeth Hurley.<br />
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Then Liz found love in the form of businessman and textile heir Arun Nayar. Our Liz finally got married! In extravagant ceremonies in both Britain and India. Three years later, the walk of shame. And that’s all we know.<br />
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The dude Liz spent the night with? Apparently both a cricket player and a <i>player</i> player. We can’t help but wonder what would send a woman with Liz’s history into the arms of a notorious womanizer. The answer appears to be: familiarity. When it comes to romance, Liz is most accustomed to being in a relationship with a man who isn’t putting as much into it as she is. <br />
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It’s possible that Arun was just one more of those under-performing dudes, and that made Liz susceptible to the cricket player’s charms. On the other hand, Liz and Arun were only married for three years, and Liz has shown she has way more staying power than that. So maybe Arun was the break from the pattern, a truly loving partner. And maybe Liz just didn’t know how to work with that. So maybe she just scurried back to her comfort zone. You think?<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Hurley-husband.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-35689971538389470072010-12-12T07:58:00.001-05:002010-12-12T07:58:36.265-05:00Breakup Song Watch Sunday: Wake Up Call, by Maroon 5This song is really more a Breakup Alternative Song. Adam from Maroon 5 finds his girl in bed with Jeremy Sisto. And rather than letting the betrayal ruin a good thing, he shoots Jeremy dead. The urgency of disposing of the evidence and avoiding capture serves as a touching bonding experience that brings Adam from Maroon 5 and his girl closer together. As crises often do.<br />
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Of particular interest: <br />
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<ul><li>The band is called Maroon 5, but they seem to really like cobalt. This observation sends me into a pointless philosophical revery, wondering if “maroon” is their word for the color that I experience as cobalt. I blame <a href="http://www.overthinkingit.com/2010/12/08/battlestar-galactica-consciousness/">Overthinking It</a>. (Who am I kidding? I don’t really <i>blame</i> them. I <i>thank</i> them!)</li>
<li>Was the video filmed in Los Angeles? If so, then Los Angeles cops are way hot!! I can’t imagine people running away from cops who look like that. Maybe that should be a new strategy for police forces around the world! Increase your bad guy apprehension rate by recruiting chicks, giving them breast augmentations, and removing the top buttons from their uniform shirts. Because who's going to run away from that? (Is that a sexist thing to say?)</li>
<li>Why is the other dude’s height relevant? I mean, it would make sense if the lyrics were “Eight foot tall, came without a warning/So I had to shoot him dead.” But six feet tall? Come on Adam from Maroon 5, don’t be such a wuss!</li>
</ul><br />
Here is the original video, with the audio remix by Mark Ronson. Love Mary J. Blige in this, but wish she were part of the original performance. How cool would that have been!<br />
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<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/CRLR3ocyWAA?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/CRLR3ocyWAA?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-74186765677197662692010-12-07T21:43:00.000-05:002010-12-07T21:43:58.461-05:00Elizabeth Anania Edwards (1949 – 2010)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b6/Elizabeth_Edwards_NH.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b6/Elizabeth_Edwards_NH.jpg" width="214" /></a></div><br />
Elizabeth Edwards lost her 17-year-old son in 1996. In 2004, she underwent a lumpectomy and radiation therapy to treat breast cancer. Three years later, doctors discovered the cancer had returned and had spread to her bones, making it inoperable. In 2008, the world learned of her husband's affair after he fled the press while visiting his former mistress and her young child. In early 2010, her husband admitted that that young child was in fact his. Following this revelation, his mistress informed the world that the two of them had actively planned the life they would build together once Elizabeth lost her battle with cancer. Whereupon Elizabeth initiated legal separation, which is required in her state before filing for divorce. <br />
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Elizabeth Edwards was a practicing Christian, and so she was probably banking on being in a better place after death than she had so far enjoyed. Certainly her children and many others who have admired her strength and grace fervently pray that Elizabeth's afterlife is filled with peace, love, and happiness. One can only hope her children take comfort in that prospect and that their memories of their mother’s love and the spirit serve as a beacon as they forge ahead in this life without her.<br />
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Rest in peace, Elizabeth.<br />
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<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Elizabeth_Edwards_NH.jpg">Image credit</a>Breakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7751740089274159082.post-59880923987736360762010-12-06T20:03:00.000-05:002010-12-06T20:03:11.028-05:00Dane Cook and the Green Knight<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0f/Dane_Cook_ComicCon.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0f/Dane_Cook_ComicCon.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
In Iris Murdoch’s novel, <i>The Green Knight</i>, Lucas is the short, swarthy adopted son, and Clement is his tall, handsome, natural born younger brother. Early in the novel, we learn that Lucas was poised to savagely attack and murder Clement, with no provocation, when Peter Mir steps in to absorb the blow himself. <br />
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I don’t know what happened after that. The brother-on-brother violence was so upsetting that I put the book down and never picked it back up again. Maybe Lucas and Clement made up and lived happily every after. Maybe Clement came to his senses and beat the ever-loving shit out of Lucas before disowning him forever. Maybe zombies ate both their brains. We’ll never know.<br />
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Reading about Dane Cook and his half-brother/half-embezzler reminded me of <i>The Green Knight</i>. Dane Cook’s older brother, Darryl McCauley, was a corrections officer when Dane’s career started moving and Dane need a business manager. Who better than family, right? Nearly anybody, it turns out. Darryl pled guilty this year to stealing millions from Dane, and a few days ago he was <a href="http://www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/dane-cooks-half-brother-ordered-to-pay-him-12-million-2010512">sentenced to five years in prison and was required to pay his brother $12 million</a>.<br />
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Imagine what family dynamic leads a young man with a budding entertainment career to recruit his older, inexperienced brother to serve as his business manager. Imagine how much Darryl must have resented feeling beholden to his baby brother/benefactor for giving him an opportunity that he could never have scored on his own.<br />
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Why does a man steal from his brother? Because it’s the only fucking way to get back at him for not being a loser!<br />
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Image creditBreakup Watchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09246162327989612486noreply@blogger.com0