Sunday, November 28, 2010

Breakup Song Watch Sunday: F**k You! by Cee Lo Green

Here is why the internet exists:  to give everyone a chance to hear the Fuck You song, even though it will never get played on the radio in its original form.  The song got so much exposure from the original viral video that Gwyneth Paltrow could change the lyrics on Glee to “Forget You” and EVERYONE knew that wasn’t what she meant.  Ain’t that some shit?

[Incidentally, we seem to be experiencing a mini f-word trend in pop music these days.  You’ve heard about Britney’s sly “If U Seek Amy” bit, right?  (If not, just say it out loud -- out of the hearing of your kids and your Grandma.)  And Lily Allen released her own F.U. song last year.  Soon we’ll have enough fucking songs to fill an entire fucking cd.]

So what about this song?  Cee Lo seems to think his girl left him for a man with more money.  Well, of course it’s entirely possible.  But some men seem to have a bad habit of misreading the cues when it comes to love.  Maybe her problem wasn’t that the change in his pocket wasn’t enough, but that he was shouting expletives at the top of his lungs wherever they went.  Or maybe she was less concerned that he wasn’t bringing home a large paycheck and more concerned that he wasn’t bringing home any paycheck at all!  Always borrowing money from her family, stealing other people’s tips off the bar at the pub, and scamming tourists with his sad Three-Card Monte.  A girl gets tired of dating a hustler.  Sometimes it’s just easier to be with a guy who has a job -- the Ferrari’s just a bonus.

Here is Eliza Doolittle’s cover of the song.  It’s a bit long, but the spiffy dudes backing her up are adorable.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Congressman Breaks Up With His Chief-of-Staff

Representative Steve Rothman fired his chief-of-staff last week after Robert Decheine was caught in a police sting trying to hook up with a 15-year-old girl.  What Decheine didn’t realize was that he was not wooing a schoolgirl with his phone calls and text messages, but with a police detective.  He has been arrested on charges of soliciting sex from a minor.

According to the Gaithersburg Police Department, Decheine answered an internet advertisement that put him in phone, email, and text communication with a young woman, who at some point revealed she was 15-years-old.  Decheine continued communicating with her, eventually agreeing on a time and place to meet for the purpose of sex.

So let’s get this out there:  the news media isn’t saying so, but Decheine was obviously soliciting a prostitute.  It’s hard to say from here whether he was specifically seeking an underaged girl, but it’s clear that once he found out she was underage, he didn’t go back to the internet to look for an older, wiser prostitute.

One hopes Decheine’s wife has as much sense as his boss and breaks up with him immediately.

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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving: Top Ten Reasons to Be Thankful for Your Breakup

  1. Never having to welcome your deadbeat loser human sponge of a brother-in-law into your home again.  Ever.
  2. You can finally have seafood for dinner again.  Or vegetables, or food with a sauce, or whatever other totally normal food your picky ex couldn’t tolerate.  Which leads us to…
  3. More leftovers = YUM!  
  4. The kids will no longer be betting on what time the next fight starts.  Children should not be gambling!
  5. It’s your money, and you should be able to buy an iPhone if you want one.
  6. Your neighbor is single, good looking, and interested.
  7. Spending your weekend in an ESPN coma?  Sure!  Why the hell not?
  8. That non-conformist rebellion (and accompanying hairstyle) that you thought was so hot in high school?  Not so sexy now.
  9. No longer having to keep that dirty little secret:  your teeth whitening system.
  10. You can finally admit that he wasn’t acting like an asshole. He WAS an asshole!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Relationship Do’s and Don’ts

DO make the effort to spend as much time together as possible.  Quality time isn’t the issue.  Shop for groceries together.  Go on car rides together.  Make dinner together.  Long, romantic walks.  Date nights.  Home improvement projects.  And, of course, making love.

DO show affection regularly and frequently.  Kiss when you wake up.  Kiss before you go to bed.  Kiss before parting.  Kiss upon reunioning.  Kiss to show approval, or gratitude, or conciliation.

DO function as a partnership.  Make decisions together.  Plan together.  Negotiate, compromise, search for the win-win.

DON’T exclaim, in response to your wife’s observation that Jennifer Jason Leigh is divorcing:  “Dang!  Isn’t timing a bitch?  I’m beginning to think that Jennifer and I will never be single at the same time!”  Don’t do that.

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Breakup Song Watch Sunday: Take a Bow, by Rihanna

There’s a certain segment of the population who generally prize loyalty, commitment, and mutual care as the underpinnings of a relationship -- both familial and romantic.  Love is the glue that holds relationships together and overcomes all obstacles.  With love, anything is possible.  All you need is love.  These folks are the Trusters.

The Trusters often fall prey to the Manipulators.  The Manipulators instinctively know what the Trusters want and give them just enough of it to enjoy the benefits of the relationship without sacrificing their own freedom or overblown self-determination.

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
Now it’s time to go, curtain’s finally closing

Take a Bow is the anthem for all the reformed Trusters who’ve learned not to accept the misbehavior and excuses of the Manipulator.

When a Truster is hurt, what he or she wants more than anything is to believe that the dishonest partner understands the pain caused by the dishonest behavior and is deeply and truly repentant.  The Truster would be devastated if something he did caused the Manipulator pain and needs to know the Manipulator feels equally devastated by his own behavior.

But Manipulators just go through the motions.  They know what Trusters want to hear, and they recite the requisite lines, winning back their comfortable status quo.  Rihanna’s lyrics capture perfectly the aspect of performance that drives the Manipulator’s behavior.

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out

Taking the power away from a Manipulator is the ultimate triumph for the Truster.  Pushing the Manipulator away -- in direct opposition to the Truster’s instinct -- allows the Truster to build a foundation of strength and discernment so they won’t fall victim to the next Manipulator they encounter. 

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You’re so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

Singer-songwriter Ne-Yo wrote the song for Rihanna.  Here he is singing it from the man’s point of view.

There are two things I love about this cover.  First, Ne-Yo appears to be reading the revised lyrics off his BlackBerry, as if he had received them in an email.  Second, although he has adjusted the lyrics to indicate remorse and sincerity, it seems to all boil down to one thing:  “Please, let me in the house.”  That cracks me up.

But OMG check out this mix of the song with recordings of Detroit’s manipulative (thankfully) former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick!  It’s the perfect demonstration of the brazen behavior of the Manipulator, finally recognized by the recovering Truster.  One imagines the entire population of Detroit standing up together and serenading Kilpatrick with this song as he’s frogmarched off to jail.  Yes!

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Superstition of Matrimonial Success

Pity the poor prenuptial agreement.  So maligned and misunderstood, it sits by its lonesome, wanting desperately to help, but rarely called from the bench except in trick plays or uneven contests.

Most people reject the notion of a prenup as “cynical.”  Signing a prenup requires you to consider the possibility of divorce.  And, as everyone knows, “we don’t do divorce.”

And here is where the fabric of space and time fray to make room to accommodate two separate universes in a single reality:  the vast universe of people for whom divorce is not an option, and the vast universe of people who get divorced.

I had a friend who informed her future husband that she would absolutely, positively, never sign a prenup.  She relayed this to me over dinner as we discussed the details of her divorce proceedings and alimony negotiations (which, we must assume, would not have been necessary, had she elected to sign a prenup).

People imbue prenups with far more power than they actually have.  Signing a prenup means that you believe your marriage will end in divorce.

Ergo, refuse to sign a prenup, and your marriage will be inoculated from divorce.  Hurray!

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wedding Wednesday: Katy Perry and Russell Brand

As any breakup analyst will tell you, you can’t just focus on the breakups.  Weddings (and the consequent marriages) are the common denominator for the vast majority of breakups.  Therefore, the breakup analyst who ignores the weddings does so at his or her own peril.

In recognition of that fact, Breakup Watch management has directed its unpaid interns to draft a new weekly feature:  Wedding Wednesday.  If it takes off, we’ll transition the responsibility from the interns to one of our salaried analysts.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married in India a few weeks ago.  Instinctively, I want to root for these plucky kids.  They’ve both got Jetta-to-Jeep stories that just warm the cockles of this unpaid intern’s heart.  Katy, the forlorn daughter of California evangelists, grew up to represent the heretofore under-represented California Girls -- daisy dukes, bikini top, and all.  Russell parlayed years of addiction and family setbacks into a lucrative comedy routine that serves him over and over in any media or performance (apparently).

But they have so many strikes against them.  Most of all, Russell’s history of alcoholism, drug addiction, and sexual addiction.  One can abstain from booze, joints, and needles and lead a happy successful life with a loving and understanding spouse.  But abstain from inappropriate sexual stimulation with Katy Perry? Isn’t she sort of porn with clothes on?  Certainly the frustration would drive a man to drink and/or shoot up.  And so we’re right back where we started!

On the other hand, it appears that they both like kissing girls.  So they have that in common.

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The Celebrity Name-Change Curse Strikes Again

Eva Longoria married Tony Parker and changed her name to Eva Longoria Parker.  No, Eva, no!  Why did you doom your beautiful marriage like that?

Rumors are now swirling that Eva is filing for divorce this week.

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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Out of Control

Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva.


Pinpointing what is going on with Mel Gibson is like trying to shoot the villain in a hall of mirrors.  There’s just too much there!  The social critic is paralyzed by an overload of revealing and contradictory behaviors.  However, Mel and Oksana have been in court lately, trying to hammer out the custody of their baby Lucia, so it seems only sporting to try.

Apparently more Catholic than the pope, Mel regularly accompanied his wife Robyn and their seven children to an uber-Catholic church in California.  Robyn is an Anglican who never converted to Catholicism (uber or otherwise), and in fact Mel indicated he was none too confident in his wife’s salvation.

And who is, really?

Then Mel and Robyn separated because Mel was seeing Oksana.  The separation and affair were on the down-low (Robyn waiting for Mel to come to his senses?) until Oksana became pregnant, at which point Robyn filed for divorce.  A godly man, ashamed of how he had let down his church, his family, and himself, Mel expressed his remorse by inviting Oksana to accompany him to premieres and parties where their relationship could be sanctified in the glare of the red carpet lighting.

Then baby Lucia was born and we didn’t hear much from Mel and Oksana for a while.

And then, Holy Shit!  We heard Mel going totally crazy pants on the phone with Oksana.  And then we heard it again.  And again.  What in the world?

Hyperventilating over so many odd things:  how she dresses, how she went to sleep instead fellating him, her bosom, that he has no friends.  My favorite:  “I left my wife because we had no spiritual common ground!”  A remarkable -- and wearable -- observation embedded among the threats of rape, beating, and burial.

It’s so easy to write Mel off as a douche.  Because he probably is.  But what else is going on in that explosive head of his?

Mel is addicted to control.  For 26 years, Robyn Gibson enabled Mel’s addiction, helping Mel to keep it largely under wraps and out of the papers.  She had learned the drill and had decades to perfect it.  Oksana, on the other hand, neither knew nor cared about the drill.  Her courtship with Mel started with him wooing her and telling her she could do no wrong.  Imagine her surprise, once she was already in too deep to get out, when he lost his shit over some randomly misplaced shoe or unguarded observation.  Without Robyn to keep the forks facing the same way and the shirts evenly spaced in the closet, Mel just got more and more tense.  Who did he blame the tension on?  The one who was there, of course!  For Mel, Oksana represents both the cause and consequence of his failure to maintain order in his life.  Thus his rage upon awakening from a sex-induced walking coma to discover that disorder ruled, that he had mated with non-practicing non-Catholic, and that nothing -- not even the blow jobs -- was working out in his favor.

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Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Perils of a Family Business

Oh my goodness, Gordon Ramsay, what have you done?  Breaking up with your father-in-law in such a spectacular fashion!

Gordon is known for being temperamental, and there’s been that recent talk about mistresses.  And he even admitted to committing a theft against his employer in an effort to discredit a competitor.  So I’m not claiming he’s any sort of angel.

But there’s something about the way Chris Hutcheson (father of Gordon’s wife, Tana) describes being fired as CEO of Gordon Ramsay Holdings Limited that suggests to me that Chris might himself be a narcissistic handful.  He persuaded Gordon let him head the company.  That’s just what a narcissistic father-in-law would do!  Step into a position of power and authority under the ruse of helping out; then get wildly offended when challenged on paying himself huge “loans” out of the company coffers; then share with the media his passive aggressive “concern” over Gordon’s mental health and possible drug use; and finally cut off communication with his daughter while simultaneously lamenting to the press that she’s not speaking to him.

So Gordon fired him.  And then Gordon fired his brother-in-law and his nephew.  It’s not clear whether there is more angst around this family strife or around the loss of income it represents to the Hutcheson clan.

Finally, in a highly erratic turn, Gordon wrote a public letter to his mother-in-law, Greta, asking her to stop freezing Tana out.

Obviously, Greta is complying with the wishes of her husband.  What Gordon thought to accomplish with his letter, I can hardly think.  Well, ok, I guess I can.  The letter was Gordon’s extraordinarily hamfisted way of going around Chris to get to Greta.  While simultaneously getting to Chris with his own passive aggressive digs.  Well, he learned at the feet of the master.

Pity poor Tana.  She has led nearly her entire adult life between two monumental assholes.

It looks like this story is still unfolding.  Stay tuned . . .

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Breakup Song Watch: Breakeven (Falling to Pieces) by The Script

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing

This pop song by The Script provides an excellent snapshot of what we go through immediately following a rejection.  Any schlockiness that comes across simply reflects the schlock inherent to the experience itself.  If I sound surprised, it’s because a year of listening to Top 40 radio has taught me that 95% of popular music is written for the sensibilities of a high school girl with a B-/C+ average.  But this song comes off as pretty genuine to me.

She’s moved on while I’m still grieving

Being rejected by someone you love is so, so damn hard.  It makes you sit alone in your jammies at 3:00 in the afternoon crying your eyes out, unsure where the day went. 

What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re ok

All the while, you’re picturing her out with someone else, having the Best Time Ever.  That was supposed to be your lifetime of happy memories!  What is an imposter doing taking over your lovelife? 

What am I going to do when the best part of me was always you

Rejection like that makes us think the least of ourselves.  We critique every move, every utterance we ever made.  If you had just been vigilant enough to project the other person’s platonic ideal of a mate, you wouldn’t be in this miserable position right now! 

When a heart breaks, it don’t break even

Oh, the sheer injustice of it all!  Somehow, when you’re in the middle of it, it seems genuinely impossible that someone you love so. damn. much. doesn’t return the feeling.  As if it must contradict of a law of physics or something.

I’m falling to pieces

Rejection is universal.  Anyone who claims never to have been rejected is either lying or stupid (as in, they were rejected but were too obtuse to realize it).  An indicator of the universality of this feeling:  the plethora of amateur covers of this song that you can find on YouTube.  Here’s the best one of the bunch:

The superior recording equipment certainly puts this one over the top, but there’s no denying that Maddi Jane’s got some chops on her!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Breakup Watch Classic: l'Affaire Pamela Anderson et Kid Rock

Since Pamela Anderson is making headlines with her PETA campaign to Israel, we thought we'd dig up this old piece from the Breakup Watch archives (circa 2006).  We hope you like it.

OK, first of all, let's just get it out there.  This not the sort of celebrity divorce that rocks your world.  Pam and Kid are no Reese and Ryan (or Jennifer and Brad, for that matter).  It's not like we all woke up this morning to the news and thought, "But if Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock can't make it, maybe nobody can!"  So the question isn't Why did their marriage fall apart?; it's How in the world did they end up walking down the aisle on a yacht in St. Tropez in the first place?  And in Beverly Hills in the second place?  And in Nashville in the third place?

It would appear that in her formative years, Pam desperately sought the approval of someone who had some strong beliefs about class and station in life.  For this person, members of the "establishment" (i.e., people with 9 to 5 jobs, whether in retail or banking) lead small, dull lives while thinking they're better than us.  With the blatant bosom, the otherworldly lips, the weird hats, the garish weddings, Pamela is constantly proclaiming a big F.U. to that establishment that wouldn't have her, while trying once again to earn the retroactive approval of someone from her past.

In the midst of this one woman class struggle, Pamela's driving romantic fantasy of taming the Bad Boy endures.  For Pam, if he's not bad, he's boring; and being seen on a Nice Boy's arm would amount to a betrayal of everything she values most.  Just as important, being the girl the Bad Boy falls for is the pinnacle of achievement.  After all, he's got hordes of groupies anxiously offering their bodies on his terms, no questions asked.  If you can turn his head away from that, you are truly hawt.  So for Pamela, the Bad Boy is the only boy worth having, and the Bad Boy's Girl is the only girl worth being.

And Kid Rock?  Well, he was probably just along for the ride.  I suspect that with each new wild idea, crazy getup, rowdy party/wedding she came up with, he puffed on his cigar and said, "That girl's a trip.  And check out those fun bags!"  And here the paradox of Bad Boy Love provides another reason for the multiple wedding ceremonies.  Because somewhere deep inside her, Pamela knew that she hadn't really tamed that wild animal.  She had just simulated its natural habitat and hoped the Kid wouldn't recognize their marriage as the enclosure it really was.  Let her guard down just once, and he's out again, getting free lap dances from tweaked-up high school dropouts with hopes of one day making it big in the glamorous adult film industry.

Is there any hope for Pam?  I'm not so sure.  It seems to me that her class prejudices are ingrained enough that she'll probably never completely escape them.  So her best bet is to find someone who represents the rough side of life, but who doesn't actually live it anymore.  Maybe a former Hell's Angel with 10 years of sobriety and 20 years of tattoos under his belt who now owns the Harley boutique on Rodeo Drive.  But only if he invites his biker friends over for backyard barbecues every weekend, so Pam never suspects that she's been lured away from her natural habitat.

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Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Ridiculous Course of Young Love

Miley Cyrus and boyfriend Liam Hemsworth have broken up.

She’s days short of turning 18.

Move along folks!  Nothing to see here.

The real question is How do we get ALL the 17-year-olds to break up with their boyfriends?  So many failed marriages would be prevented.  Just ask LeAnn Rimes (who started dating her first husband at 19 and married him at 20), Macauley Culkin (married at 17, split before he was of legal drinking age), and Melanie Griffith (began dating Don Johnson at 14, then married him for the first time at 19 -- it lasted 6 months).

And of course, there's always Randy Travis.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Speidi Revisited

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have admitted to Life & Style Magazine that their divorce was a sham, intended to position them for a lucrative British reality show.  We thought we’d take the opportunity to reprint a piece on their reunion.  Enjoy!

Staying Married for the Gifts

I have never seen Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in action.  However, reading about crazy celebrities in trashy magazines is one of the carrots that gets me into the gym, and these two appear to have adopted celebrity magazines as their principle marketing channel.  Therefore, I cannot claim I’ve never heard of them.

So here’s what I know.  They were on a reality show.  They got married in Mexico, and it caused a lot of drama, but it wasn’t real (I mean the marriage, and probably the drama – I do not question the reality of Mexico).  Heidi had a lot of plastic surgery – most of it on a single day – and now has G-cups (?!?).  The media has bestowed on them one of those couple names that emphatically underlines their omnipresence on the paparazzi beat.

Then they separated.

And now they’re back together.

Yada yada.

The media uniformly relay word of their reunion as if it were a brief remission from an otherwise deadly and disfiguring cancer.

At the time of their separation, Spencer confessed to prioritizing publicity over everything else and credited Heidi with wanting the same calm life of hiking and relaxing that any girl-next-door-sporting-G-cups is looking for.  Last weekend Spencer and Heidi burned their divorce papers, with Spencer explaining that he never expected his asshole behavior to drive his wife away.  But now that he knows, he’ll work on it.

As hard as it is to believe, “I didn’t know that my asshole behavior was a deal breaker” is actually a pretty common defense.  Sometimes it leads to permanent behavior change, and sometimes the behavior changes just long enough for you to put the suitcase back in the attic.  So good on Spencer for picking something universal and believable!

But I don’t believe it.  Speidi has nothing to offer us except their celebrity and their ensuing presence in reality television.  Hence the title of Heidi’s first book:  How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.  Or, as Spencer eloquently expressed it, “I’m a famewhore.”

And they’re sponsored!  Go to Heidi’s Facebook page or website, and you’ll see it’s peppered with nothing but product endorsements.  Subtle enough that she doesn’t have to disclose that she was paid for them, but unavoidably obvious when you view them in their totality.  Holy crap.  I’m guessing most of these companies pay her in kind rather than in cash.  If she has any brain in her head at all, that Heidi is one of eBay’s hottest sellers.

Which brings us to Heidi and Spencer’s marriage/separation/reunion/eventual divorce.  I don’t believe there was any marital discord.  I mean, sure, you and I wouldn’t have been able to put up with either of them for more than half an hour.  But I gather Speidi is more like those less intelligent dogs who are too dumb to get bored when you leave them in their crate all day while you’re at work.  Instead, I think it’s all part of a grand narrative they have painstakingly scripted for the tabloids.  Which keep printing their stories.  And which continue to be bought by readers – or their gyms and hairdressers.  We’re in a double-dip recession, and this stuff still sells.

OK, so maybe Speidi is slightly smarter than the dumbest crated dog.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Miley's Therapist's Upcoming Agenda

So it looks like the Cyrus marriage fell victim to something more than just a disagreement about how to market the Cyrus girls’ budding sexuality.  Or not.  It depends on who you believe.

Reports have it that Tish Cyrus had a fling with Bret Michaels while Bret was recording a song with her daughter Miley.  Billy Ray found out, and now their divorce is in the works.

Reps for both Tish and Bret deny there was any affair.  Well, of course they would.

But it’s extremely likely that everyone is right.  No “P” in the “V,” but it’s totally plausible that Tish’s relationship with Bret precipitated a final crisis in the Cyrus marriage.  Emotional Affairs, people!!!  Why do we deny them?

It makes sense.  Tish has been married for 18 years.  In that time, she’s maintained her looks and her figure, establishing her role as Billy Ray’s Hot Wife.  However, now her oldest daughter is plotting her transition from Disney teen idol to Maxxim cover model.  As proud as Tish might be, Miley’s success strikes some mighty blows against Tish’s "Hot" status.  That first step on the way down from hot wife to MILF can be a doozy!

Meanwhile, Bret is hardly likely to take a 40 when he can get two 20s.  But he’s also hardly likely to shut down a pretty blond with a nice rack -- even if she is the mother of the jail bait he just spent the last hour with in the studio.  So, while he’s not actually interested, it’s just not in his nature to say no.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Eye H8 Jashley: Mean Girls and Twitter Unite

Did you know that Breakup Watch is on the Twitter?  Well, we are.  Follow us, if you’re into that sort of thing.  Otherwise, you can keep up with our tweets in the listing on the right of the page.

It was our participation in the Twitterverse that sensitized us to an internet subculture we knew nothing about:  Those Who Love All Things Jemi and Hate All Things Jashley.

Confused?  Then you must be of legal drinking age.

Jemi is the couple that was Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato.  Jemi is the epitome of young romance and talent, and proof that there is a God, and that He cares what happens to His people.  Jemi is also the tragic stuff of nostalgia, for those who refuse to let go of the past 6 months and cannot freaking move on.

Jashley is the couple that is Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene.  Jashley is sickening.  Jashley has sapped the universe of its vibrant hues.  It is due to the existence of Jashley that atrocities occur in Sudan.  Not because Jashley orchestrated them -- just because the existence of Jashley makes all evil things possible.  Jashley, you see, is a portal to hell.

The vitriol with which these adolescent Twits carp on Ashley Greene is breathtaking.  Well, let’s hope they’re adolescents!  Twitter mythology tells us that the love of Joe and Demi was pure, until Ashley lured Joe away with the sexual wiles of an older woman (she is 23).  Now the Twittersphere wails for poor Demi, who is on tour with the Jonas Brothers and must bear witness to the moral outrage of Jashley canoodling.  Being pure of heart, Demi has finally been overcome, and has threatened suicide/been hospitalized with a mysterious ailment/suffered an asthma attack that has called her away from the tour.  The Twitterati cannot decide whether she is truly dying of a broken heart, or whether she is making a graceful exit so as not to subject herself any longer to the crushing agony of knowing that Jashley walks the Earth.  And it is all Ashley’s fault, and therefore a pox on her house, a plague on her family, and many pimples on her hoo-ha.

You remember the mean girls of your youth?  So righteous, so indignant.  So . . . mean.  And now they have the Twitter.  Save us.